The flying pig breaking news: The Police adopt better regulation

- 10:37 am - September 27th, 2019


Boris Johnson has stated that once Britain is free from the regulations set by the EU business can thrive.  Does that mean the old Tory doctrine of better (i.e. no) regulation is to be extended beyond issues which clearly don’t matter, such as environment, to those that do such as traffic and speeding and everything else if a rational basis for such a philosophy does indeed exist?  Imagine if the police applied the old, now discredited, better regulation practices to their work…

 Police spokesman:

   Following implementation of the government policy of better regulation in environmental policy, we are modernising our approach to traffic management”.

 “Henceforth we shall not be enforcing the law on bald tyres, or seat belts or mobile phones by making occasional checks on vehicles and drivers, nor shall we be doing hot spot speed-gun hits in villages where locals have requested action against speeding cars.  Instead we have commissioned a multi-million pound study which has led to our new strategy.  We are removing traffic from the jurisdiction of the local branch teams and setting up a centralised unit, drawing staff from the regional offices.   Great efficiencies and cost savings are envisaged.  In most places we’ll do nothing. 

 In the areas where we have decided we don’t have enough resources, any speed traps without cameras (diverted to the new priority areas) will be fitted with a sign saying ‘No camera – policing here is not a priority’.

Drivers found speeding will get, instead of a warning or a fine, a blue pencil engraved ‘Drive safely’.  100,000 of the special pencils have been produced.

 In addition, there will be 50,000 small orange balls which hoot when squeezed.  These can be given to persistent poor drivers to aid stress management.

 Further efficiencies will follow as a result of our new self-reporting initiative.  Henceforth we shall write, in a collaborative non-regulatory, information sharing partnership with the DVLC, to all drivers, inviting them to submit annual details of when they have been speeding.  They will also be able to report if they have been good. Drivers who report that they have been driving badly will be up-scaled in our regulatory regime and required to complete a fifteen page Poor Likely Offender Document (a registration licence supplement).  A fee will again cover our administration costs.

 A new webpage will be highlighted on social media which explains why speeding is dangerous and bald tyres are not a good thing.  It will be called ‘Please don’t speed and check your tyres’ and have a smiley emoticon.

 If you want more information you can visit our website or follow us on facebook or twitter, or phone our new centralised telephone numbers, hang on for a while, then explain your problem to a nice bloke in Mumbai.”